Tender Spaces

Dear Grandmère -

I appreciate very much your being concerned over my mental outlook, but I think that we may have somewhat conflicting ideas about what is best for me.

I know that if you could have me in another mental hospital, you would. I don’t feel that is what I need. I don’t feel that my stay at Chestnut Lodge has done me any good, nor would any amount of time in some other hospital.

If it is of my involvement with drugs you are worried about, as of last Friday, you needn’t be. I am NEVER going to take any kind of drug again. This may sound like a rather rash decision for me who had previously felt that drugs would bring about valuable learning experiences. It is not. I will not do anything that I feel can do me physical or mental damage which outweighs in any way the benefit I can get out of it.

I feel that though drugs may have helped me understand a few things, I can derive no further benefit from it. I also feel that they are largely responsible for whatever nerve damage I may have. I don’t think that any permanent harm has been done but however irresponsible I may seem to you, my health is not something I care to gamble nor is my sanity. Knowing also that drugs can induce psychosis is further reason for me not to go near them. I hope you see how serious I am about the finality of this.

I know that two psychiatrists can certify a person, regardless of custody, civil rights, etc. That is why I will not go and see the two you have arranged for me to see. During my stay at Chestnut Lodge, I have seen enough reasonably sane people certified to be naturally wary of anything like that.

I do not intend to take mental patiency as my career like so many other people I’ve seen have.

You see grandmother, I know I can get much more out of a good homy environment where people are working together as well as caring about each other. I have realized during my stay on Saturna just how much I care about the free school and the people there, and how much they care about me. I would like to stay there and help them get it back into working shape, then, when it reopens, become a staff member there. I would also like to do some pottery and various other arts and crafts, the tools for which are available on Saturna.

Mainly thought, I am tired of wandering around aimlessly all over the countryside. It is a real strain and I would just like to settle down with people whom I feel comfortable with.

The possibility for my finishing high school is of course open. I have too many things to sort out in my head to really feel inspired about doing it, right at this time, but I think that in time, and with a little perseverance, I will probably do it someday. Let’s say I do not have my feelings strongly set against it, though I don’t think you should try and push me.

Generally things seem to be settling down quite a bit and I am sorting out quite a few things in my mind.

I hope things are going well with you.

Much love,
Gaëtane